Anxiety Control Center

The following are answers to questions I have received about worry and parenting.

Questions 1. So why are some people more prone to worrying than others?

Have you ever been watching your child at play, feeling love and joy and all of a sudden find your thoughts spinning off into all sorts of worry? Has one worrisome thought ever brought on a terrible cycle of more fearful thoughts?  If this has happened you are not alone.

There are many reasons for the different ways people respond to the world they live in.  An event that hardly creates a ripple in one person’s life can completely distress another person.  People react differently because of deeply rooted emotions and beliefs, which become filters for their perceptions and the way they interpret events.  A person’s past experiences will “color” their current interpretation and reactions to events, sometimes in positive ways, but also in less than helpful ones.  When a person reacts to an event, it is often not just the present day situation they are reacting to, but an entire chain of emotions going back all the way to childhood.

As children, we form beliefs that continue to run into adulthood.  We also develop patterns and coping techniques intended to help us deal with stress or protect us from danger.  Although these patterns and beliefs may serve a positive purpose at the time they were formed, they are no longer useful for the adult.

For example, I had a client who felt that if she didn’t worry something bad would happen.  She had a number of experiences in her very traumatic childhood where she learned that it wasn’t safe to just be, she had to run every possible consequence through her mind to keep her safe from her alcoholic parent. She learned that worry protected her, so that even as an adult, she still found herself consumed with worry.  The circumstances had changed, but the thought pattern hadn’t.  Instead of serving her by protecting her from harm, worry was actually getting in the way of her living her life to the fullest.

Fortunately, through the use of hypnosis, Neuro-Linguistic Programming, time line and vibrational healing my clients have found that they can change these thought patterns at the subconscious root from which they spring.   Adjust the thought pattern, and unnecessary worry disappears.

Question 2. Is worrying ever a good thing?  Some of us are very talented at it!
Sometimes worry is a fleeting feeling of concern.  This is a natural part of being a parent trying to protect your child from harm.  For parents of children who have special needs it is understandable that worry can take on a whole new meaning. The reality is that your child has to overcome additional hardships.  As a parent, you are constantly dealing with the extra stress that comes with wanting to protect your child and at times feeling helpless or unsure what the future will hold.

Let’s look at the positive purpose of worry.  Despite all the negative feelings attached to it, worry can serve a positive function when it prepares you for possible future difficulties.  It can alert you to things that need to be taken care of, or of consequences of certain actions.  Worry can keep you watchful for symptoms that indicate a possible life-threatening problem, or it can motivate you to take positive action to improve the quality of your child’s life.

However, once you have done everything in your power to anticipate and prepare for possible future problems, worry ceases to serve a positive function.   When your thoughts cycle into negative, scary future possibilities about things that are outside of your control, it is time to learn techniques to stop worry from putting another hardship in your life.

3. Got any simple techniques for stopping worry in its tracks?

There are many different techniques that can be used to stop worry and the stress that results from it.  Choosing the most effective one depends on which part of the stress cycle you are in:  the cognitive, physical or the emotional.

Many times the cognitive part of the cycle is where worry begins. It relates to the way you are filtering information, and the stories you are telling yourself based on your perceptions.  The emotional part relates to the subconscious feelings that anchor these perceptions.  One way to think of this is like looking at an event through a stained glass window.  The cognitive part relates to the direction in which you fix your gaze, what you choose to look at, and what you think about it.  The physical/emotional part is the window itself, the specific tint of the stained glass colors that affects everything you see.

Cognitively, the feeling of worry does not come from the event itself.  It comes from the stories we tell ourselves about the event:  both stories about scary possibilities we imagine for the future, and stories about traumatic experiences we remember from the past.

If you want to break the cognitive part of the stress cycle and stop negative thoughts, there is an excellent exercise called the “2 for 1″ technique.  It draws upon the same powerful imagination that you use to create negative stories but instead you use it to create positive thoughts instead.

This technique gives you a potent way to consciously transforming negative thoughts into positive ones.  By practicing it consistently, you cannot only begin to change the cognitive thought cycles that are causing your worry, but also adjusts the unconscious assumptions that keep the cycles alive.

Next time you find yourself spinning into a worry cycle, start by paying attention to the thoughts and stories that are going through your mind, and then do the following:

Step 1: Write down the facts of the event.  What is actually happening right now in the present moment?

Step 2:  Make a list of each thought, picture or story that is triggered by this event.  Stay in a curious state, letting all the negative thoughts come to the surface.  These may be fears that you have for the future, or past traumatic experiences that this event brings back to you.  As you write down these thoughts you will start to realize that no matter how much you might believe the thoughts to be true, they are still just one possible way things might happen.

Once you have a list of the negative thoughts, stories and pictures you are ready for the next step.

Step 3: Cross out the first negative thought you have written down, and write down two possible positive thoughts or possible positive outcomes in its place.  Repeat this for each negative thought on the list, until all your negative thoughts are crossed out and replaced by positive ones.

Most of us are far more used to telling ourselves negative stories than positive ones.  So it may feel a little strange at first to accept these positive thoughts as readily as you did the negative ones.  So at first the “2 for 1″ technique may take some conscious effort.  With practice, you will find that the positive thoughts start to pop up on their own, just as the negative ones once did.  By harnessing the power of the same powerful imagination that created the negative stories, you can create a whole range of positive possibilities, which replace the cycle of worry with one of hope and potential.

4.  I’d love to hear an example of a woman you recently worked with who effectively put one of your techniques to use – a success story, if you will.

Here is an example one parent I worked with. I am sure this story will resonate with all parents.  Her son had recently lost part of his hand in a fireworks accident, and as she watched him struggling to tie his shoe with one hand, she found herself spinning into a terrible worry cycle.

In her imagination, she was moving from the facts of the present moment, to a whole range of terrible thoughts and worries for the future: Will he be able to function in a job?  Will he be accepted?  Will this accident change he cheerful personality? She also found herself remembering traumas from the past—remembering how other people had looked at him in the emergency room, and even thinking about how she’d been teased as a child and worrying that it would be even worse for him.

Fortunately, before she allowed this cycle of worry to overtake her, she remembered the “2 for 1″ exercise.  She started with the facts of the present event.  Her son was struggling to tie his shoe.  She then wrote down all the negative thoughts that were passing through her mind, and replaced them with positive ones.  She thought about the things he did well, his keen mind, his energy, his goofy sense of humor, she imagined him playing with his friends, thought about jobs in which he could be successful, even imagined him graduating from college and getting married.

And as she did so and stopped the cycle of worry, she noticed something that surprised her:  the proud smile on her son’s face as he bounded up to her, his sneakers tied in a perfect knot.

It was then that she realized, at this moment, it wasn’t her son who was struggling.  It was her.

During our sessions together, we built on this realization using a combination of advanced hypnotic, NLP and time-line techniques.  As a result we were able to change this emotional part of the cycle:  the “stained glass” window of worry that was obscuring her perception, by releasing the deep-rooted emotions and adjusting the old thought patterns that were fueling her worry.

5.  What if I really believe that the thoughts I have might come true in the future, is there anything I can do about that?

Both the positive and negative thoughts you create about possible future events are fictional.  The problem with negative thoughts and pictures you create, in your mind, is that even though they possibly will never happen, the unconscious mind nevertheless accepts them as if they are true.  And you react with fear in the present moment to something that hasn’t even happened.

In just the same way, when you create positive thoughts, the unconscious mind also accepts them as true, creating a reaction that opens you to the positive possibilities.

Positive and negative thoughts both spring from the same place: your imagination.  They are simply stories.  You have the power of your own mind. So as long as you make up stories, you might as well choose ones that can serve you in a positive way.

6. What’s your best piece of advice for parents of children with special needs?
Parents of special needs children have many stressors that never even enter the minds of other parents.  In fact, many times it is the parent that suffers more than the child, as they struggle to reconcile their dreams for their child with the struggles of everyday life.  Amazingly, children have a way of taking even the most difficult, frustrating situations in stride. The best thing you can do for your child is what you are already doing, being proud of each accomplishment, celebrating what is unique about your child, and continuing to find and celebrate each wonderful gift.

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Hypnosis Fact and Myth: Excerpts from a seminar given by Audrey Sussman for new practitioners of hypnosis.

Yesterday we were talking about using the preferred system to get into a trance easily.  So you might be wondering how this  information is used in creating a trance state. For each system (A,V,K) the hypnotist would use words that are either visual, auditory or kinesthetic.  Once the client is in a trance state we use a combination of all three, for the most effective work.

Here is a very short sample of words that might be used in a hypnotic induction for a person who is primarily Visual:  For a visual the hypnotist using a typical Classical method might say something like this. . .  imagine a light all around you. . .   just continuing breathing  . . without trying to make any thing happen . .  and with your next breath . . .  notice the color of the light that you are breathing. . .    and with each breath you can let this color to fill you  . . .   creating a healing or a sense of peace with every breath you take .  . .  .

Sample hypnotic induction for person using Auditory words:
Even though we all can to some extent use each of the three, see (visualize), hear (auditory) and feel (kinesthetic). For a person who is auditory  the hypnotist might say   . . .  as you take your next breath, focus in on the sound of each exhale. . . just breathing normally allow yourself to hear the slight sound with the release of the breath . . . and the unconscious mind likes that sound for it creates a sense of . . .

Sample hypnotic induction for person who is comfortable with Kinesthetic:  And for the kinesthetic person who uses feeling as their lead system the hypnotist might say. . .  as you take your next breath, not trying to make anything happen at all, just begin to notice the very small difference in temperature as the breath moves in. . . and out. . .   in . . . and out. . . just paying attention to the tip of your nose. . . as the air move in on the inhale notice if it is cooler on the inhalation and warmer on the exhalation. . . This is a very fine distinction . . . so just notice it or not . . .   and as you are paying attention to your breath . . . you can begin to feel a lightness . . .

Knowing about the Auditory, Visual and Kinesthetic ways of procession is part of what you learn when you study Neuro-Linguistic Programming.   Of course there are many ways to use Neuro-Lingusitic programming.   This is just a very simple example of the vast uses for NLP.

This is my simple and quick definition of NLP : “N” stands for Neuro (or neurology)  “L” stands for Linguistic (or language part of NLP)  and “P” stands for programming. NLP is a way of using language to program (or reprogram) what we want into our neurology (body reaction).

Knowing NLP and combining it with hypnotic techniques gives you  a wide range of ways of using your mind, and helping others to use theirs.  If you’d like to read a really good book on this subject look fro Using Your Brain for a Change, by Richard Bandler and John Grinder.  It can be useful at any level of training from the complete newcomer to NLP to the more advanced practitioner. NLP can be used in sales, in negotiation, with children to gain the rapport you need to have people listen.

As a hypnotherapist as you continue to study the mind.  Becoming aware of  purposefully using all three  modalities, Visual, Auditory and Kinesthetic in your work  gives you a very powerful way of helping people to create change.

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Today I’ll begin by answering questions many of you have sent in.

Then in the next month I’ll be giving information on tips
for relieving stress in children
and other parenting tools.

Today I’ll begin with a quick answer to the question
“Why use hypnosis ?

What can self-hypnotic techniques do for you.

Why I use hypnosis:   I believe it is vital for quick, lasting change.  I use hypnosis and Neuro-Linguistic Programming in all of my programs.

There are many reasons  to learn to use hypnosis and self-hypnosis.  The first is that Hypnosis  opens the doorway to the power of the unconscious mind. The unconscious holds resources needed to change old habits quickly and permanently.  Hypnosis also allows you the ability to tap into inner strengths that are stored in the unconscious.  It can also be used to get to the underlying root and release old emotional “junk”.   When you learn to use hypnosis techniques you can change old negative reactions and limits at the very root of where they started.

In the upcoming weeks I’ll continue to post tips for reducing stress and fear in children.  And will be adding a new section on communication secrets that can make it easy to get your children to listen. Note: These tips work great with adults too.

Looking forward to hearing from you, with questions or comments.

Would you like a copy of
2 Calming Exercises ?
go to the box on the upper right of this screen
put you name and email – click on the sign in here tab.
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2 easy to learn exercises.
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The following post is from a note that came from one of my amazing clients.  She is the mother of a beautiful 3 year old and had used what she has learned in therapy to help her own child.  When she told me about how she dealt with her daughter’s fear I asked her to send in her story so others could benefit from it too.

I believe that what she had to say is so powerful that I’m posting it today.  Parents may find her story useful as they help their own children deal with fear of the dark.  It can also be  individualized  to help with other specific fears.  Thank you “J”  for sending this in.

The following is the note from “J”:
“I used to believe my panic was brought on by the changes in weather.  Night time also used to bring with it terrible anxiety.  Whenever it was a rainy or cloudy day, my panic was at its best (meaning worst).  During thunderstorms, I my anxiety was off the charts. Actually in any weather, other than sunny, I felt “unsafe”.

After working with Audrey, so much of my fear has lifted.   I now can say that I truly know I am OK no matter the weather.  In actuality the weather had nothing to do with my panic, even though at the time it seemed to control me.

Here is what happened that stimulated me to create a story that would help my daughter deal with her fear of the dark.  One evening while driving, my 3yr old daughter said, “Mom, I don’t like the night. It’s scary.”  When I heard those words, I began to feel sad that my sweet little daughter was dealing with fear and anxiety.  And I could feel a rumbling of the old fear I used to have,. But this time, instead of continuing with all types of fearful thoughts, (like I would have done before changing the way I deal with fear,)  I decided to turn it into a positive story where both my daughter and I both felt safe.  This story just seemed to bubble up out of my mind and this is what I said to my daughter.

“Honey, night time doesn’t need to be scary, because it is just as beautiful as the day time.  At night, we get to see the moon and talk with the stars . . .  During the day . . .  the Sun likes to come out to play. . .

Sometimes . . .  the clouds say to the sun . . .  “Ms. Sun, you’ve had your fun . . . now it is our turn to come out and stay. . .   The rain is wonderful and it likes to wash away dirt and clean the air.  . .  Thunder and lightening, give us a drum and light show in the sky. . .   No matter what the weather or time of day, you can create a place you like to be. . .  And if you are scared, you can talk to g-d. G-d . . .  who will always be there to listen. . .   and if you ask g-d to send a calming light you can feel safe. . . all you need to do is imagine this light all around you . . .   and as it is all around you all you need to do is breath it in and notice how different that feels, knowing all is well.”

My daughter LOVED this story and it helped ME as I told it to her as well!”

Again, thanks for this great note.  I welcome everyone’s thoughts and I am happy
to post helpful stories and comments like the one above.
Looking forward to hearing from you too.

If you would like to get a copy of
2 different Exercises to create calm
go to the box on the upper right of this screen
put you name and email – click on the sign in here tab.
And you will receive our gift of 
2 easy to learn exercises.
Available for a LIMITED time
so, be sure to get them now.

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1.  Are some people more prone to worry than others?

There are many reasons for the different ways people respond to the world they live in.  An event that hardly creates a ripple in one person’s life, can completely distress another person.  People react differently because of the filters, beliefs and the way they interpret events.  A person’s past experiences will “color” their current interpretation and reactions to events.

2.  What is the purpose of worry?  Is it ever a good thing?

Let’s look at the positive purpose of worry.  Worry can serve a positive function when it prepares you for possible future difficulties.  It can alert you to things that need to be taken care of, or of consequences of certain actions.  Worry can keep you watchful for symptoms that indicate a possible life-threatening problem, or it can motivate you to take care of something that needs to be done.

3.  How do I know when worry is no longer useful?

Sometimes worry is a fleeting feeling of concern which is just a part of being a parent trying to protect your child from harm.  For parents of children who have special needs it is understandable that worry can take on a whole new meaning. The reality is, that your child has to overcome additional hardships and you are dealing with the extra stress that comes with wanting to protect your child and at times feeling helpless, not knowing what the future will hold.

But, once you have done everything in your power to anticipate and prepare for possible future problems, worry ceases to serve a positive function.   When your thoughts cycle into negative, scary future possibilities, about things that are outside of your control it is time to learn techniques to stops worry in it tracks.

4.  Are there different techniques that can be used to get relief from worry?  More on this on my next post tomorrow.

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In March 2009, you too can learn to use the power of your own mind in the  “Conquer the Fear that Undermines You”  6 module Home Study Workshop.  This unique workshop will provide a easy to use skills for relieving anxiety, fear and procrastination.  Look for the upcoming details on what will be included in the course next week.

For all the people who have been asking for coaching on parenting,  April’s Home Study Course will provide the blueprint creating a warm loving environment where your children to listen, when you talk.   This is an 8 module course.

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